Ocarina of Time: How It Should Have Gone Down
by MsBBSue
Summary: This is in script format, I know...  Anyway, I am in no way trying to slander Legend of Zelda, this is simply a parody.  Warning: Parts of this make sexual reference, not too bad, but I don't think children should be reading it... there are also swears.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><strong>Act one Scene one: The Deku Tree and Navi<strong>

The scene starts in blackness with a voice.

_"In the vast, deep forest of Hyrule… Long have I served as the guardian spirit… I am known as the Great Deku Tree…"_

Scene brightens on Link lying in his bed. He suddenly lets out a scream, rolls off the bed, and yet remains fast asleep.

_"The children of the forest, the Kokiri, live here with me-,"_

_"Cut the crap Deku Tree!"_

_"Shut up Navi!"_

* * *

><p>The scene cuts to a talking tree and an overly tall fairy.<p>

Deku Tree: I was just trying to set the mood-

Navi: Set the mood my ass! You just made yourself sound like the biggest pedophile since MJ. (Turns to the camera covering her mouth) Ooo, too soon?

Deku Tree: (Lets out a growl of frustration) The children of the forest, the Kokiri, live here with me, each Kokiri has his or her own fairy! However, there is one boy who does not have a fairy! Is that good enough for you Navi! (Deku Tree is annoyed)

Navi: Guardian-

Deku Tree: What?

Navi: Guardian fairy... (The Deku Tree sighs and the scene lightens into white)... Navi… Where art thou Navi?

Navi: … I'm right here

Deku Tree: …..Come hither….

Scene darkens and Navi is right in front of the Deku Tree. She is examining her nails and seems uninterested.

Deku Tree: (Sighs) Oh, Navi the fairy…

Navi: Yeah?

Deku Tree: (Clears throat for attention) Listen to my words, the words of the Deku Tree… Dost thou sense it? The climate of evil descending upon this realm… malevolent forces even now are mustering to-

Navi: I speak English; I don't understand all this hither-dither stuff.

Deku Tree: Go find Link! Hurry, I am-

Navi: Got it! (Runs out of grove)

Deku Tree: Why did I even bother talking to her? (Speaks in high pitched voice) Hey! Look! Listen! Watch out! (Growls) Fucking fairies!

* * *

><p><strong>Let me know what you think please!<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><span>Act one Scene two: Link's Awakening<span>

Scene opens with the camera running into a small village. A male fairy winks at the camera and she stops.

Navi's voice: Hey baby, what's up?

Deku Tree: (Yelling) Navi hurry the hell up!

The camera shakes as if shaking a head, and continues to run. A blank screen shows with a text.

"_Due to lack of funding, terrible CGI, and childhood dreams of having a tree house being destroyed by empty promises, we are unable to have Link's house in a tree."_

Scene cuts and shows a house. The frame pauses and the text appear.

"_See?... we weren't kidding."_

Scene continues and the camera runs into the house and Link is sleeping on the floor. The camera then shows Navi bent over trying to catch her breath.

Navi: Wake up…. Sleepy head…. (Still trying to catch her breath)

The child on the bed wakes up and begins to screams. A mother walks into the room and screams as she sees the fairy standing next to the child's bed.

Navi: What the hell!

The mother grabs a broom and begins swatting at her until Navi leaves.

Navi: (Climbing into the room of the Hero, who happens to be an obvious teenager that is rather plump in the waist) Wake up! (Hits the back of his head)

Link: (Sitting up half asleep) I'm wake!

Navi: Alright… I'm your fairy-

Link: Aren't you a little big to be a fairy?

Navi: Please, if you think I'm big you should get a load of the Great Fairies…

Link: …

Navi: Let's go… we have to speak with the Great Deku Tree.

Link: Alright (stands with only tunic on)

Navi: Whoa! (Covers eyes)

Link: What?

Navi: Isn't it a little breezy over there?

Link: … (looking down at bare legs) I'm a child… (Narrowing eyes at Navi) Pervert.

The scene fades as they leave the house.

* * *

><p><strong>Let me know what you think please!<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><span>Retrieving the Kokiri Sword and Deku Shield<span>

A girl races to the front of a house, but unfortunately she is not a real girl. She is a transvestite.

Saria: Yahoo! Hi Link! (His voice is flirty)

Link: Not today. (Link turns to Navi) Can't we just teleport to the Deku Tree?

Navi: … No… I have no idea what you're talking about… (Smiles and winks at camera)

Saria: Is that right? The Great Deku Tree has summoned you?

Link: I didn't say anything (he speaks through a smile barely moving his lips)

Navi shrugs.

Link: We don't have time for this…

Saria: It's quite an honour to speak with the Great Deku Tree,-

Link: (Walks by her/him and screams in her face) I didn't ask you!

Link and Navi walk through the Kokiri village and stop in front of Mido. Mido rather than having blond hair has red. He is holding his hands out with his legs spread wide.

Link: What are you doing?

Mido: (grunts and makes a delayed face at Link) Hey you! Mr. No Fairy! What's your business with the Great Deku Tree? Without a fairy you're not even a real man!

Link: Clearly…

Mido: Whaaaaaaaat! You have a fairy!

Link: Just let me through.

Mido: (Stands straight and looks down) You know, I would… but it would defeat the whole 'challenge' part of the game… tell you what; how about (begins to yell) you go back to your pathetic life as a goat wrangler!

Navi: Wrong game…

Link: (Looks to Navi) What do I do Navi?

Navi: …

Link walks away from Mido and Navi begins jumping up and down.

Navi: Hey!

Link: (Turns to her)

Navi: Listen! We need to find a sword and shield so you can get past Mido… I wonder where you would find one…

Link: (Stares at Navi angrily and then sighs)

The scene fades and then opens where Link is at the treasure chest of the Kokiri Sword. He is breathing rapidly and has dirt all over himself.

Link: Thank the Goddesses! (He crawls up to the treasure box and opens it)

Text at the bottom of the screen appear as he holds the sword above his head.

"_You got the Kokiri Sword! On the Equipment Subscreen-,"_

Link: I know how to equip the God Damn thing!

The text begins to type.

"_Fine then asshole, that's the last time I try to help you out… Fairy boy!"_

Navi: Fairy boy! (Sarcasm) That's original…

Link: Come on, let's get the shield.

The scene shows Link in a small shop and the merchant is watching him.

Merchant: (In a deep voice, yes this is a reference to Resident Evil 4) What are you buyin?

Link: … (Smiles and speaks with a similar voice) What are you sellin?

Merchant: Got somethin' that might interest yah' (Points to the Deku Shield)

Link: … (Nods)

Merchant: That'll be forty rupees.

Link: (Looks into wallet) One… two… ten… eighteen… twenty-eight… Navi, you got any on you?

Navi: (Sighs and hands over rupees)

Link: There you go (hands over rupees)

Merchant: Come back anytime!

* * *

><p><strong>Let me know what you think please!<strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><span>Act one Scene four: Meeting the Deku Tree<span>

Scene is black and subtext comes up.

"_Due to too many nut shots when Link rolled, jump attacked, and lifted anything, we have made the wise decision to give him shorts… yeah, whatever. You didn't have to see the unsightly sight when Link yelled Heyeah! And you're more afraid him tea-bagging you than being cut by the Kokiri Sword."_

Scene lightens and Navi and Link are standing in front of the Deku Tree.

Navi: Great Deku Tree, I am back! (Saying with a dramatic voice and falls to the ground as if exhausted)

Deku Tree: … Link… I need you inside me-

Link: What?

Deku Tree: Oh… uh, I need you to _go_ inside me. The time has come to test thy courage… I have been cursed… I need you to break the curse with your wisdom and courage. Dost thou have courage enough to undertake this task?

Link: (Looks at the Deku Tree and shrugs) Why not?

Deuk Tree: Hold on, let me prepare for this.

Deku Tree's mouth opens with disturbing noises and Link and Navi are thoroughly disturbed.

Deku Tree: Then enter brave Link and thou too Navi-

Link: (In scared voice) I don't want to anymore…

Navi drags Link into the Deku Tree's mouth. The scene fades into blackness.

* * *

><p><strong>Let me know what you think please!<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><span>Act one Scene five: The Death of the Deku Tree<span>

Link: That's was freaking awesome! Did you see it? She was all like 'I'm going to kill you!' and I was all like 'Aw hell naw!"

Flashback of the great fight; Link is standing in front of a spider and it crawls a little towards him and he runs screaming. Flashback ends and Navi is shaking her head.

Deku Tree: Well done Link… thou hast verily demonstrated thy courage…

Link: I know you're dying and all… but I really need to get home soon… I have this friend who wants to play some COD and well… this is kind of wasting my time.

Deku Tree: (Angry) Alright… all you need to know is this. Ganondorf is the ruler of all _fucking evil_… there are three goddesses; Nayru, Farore, and Din. They created the Triforce which has been in the Sacred Realm all these years. You need to go to the princess and give her this. Protect it with your life…

Link looks at the Kokiri Emerald for a moment and the tosses it into his wallet.

Deku Tree: My end is nigh… the fate of the country, nay the world depends upon thee… goddesses help us all (dies)

Navi and Link stand staring at the tree.

Navi: Come on Link, we have to go to Hyrule Castle… there's no time for mourning wood.

Scene fades to black.

* * *

><p><strong>This is the end of act one, let me know what you think please!<strong>


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><span>Act two Scene one: Kaepora Gaebora<span>

Gaebora: Hoot! Hoot! Link!

Navi: Kill it! Kill it with fire (grabs at Link's sword and swings at the bird)!

Link: Wait, it's only a talking bird… wait a minute! AHHHHH!

Gaebora: Hey, fairy boy (Navi rolls her eyes). I'm a talking owl not a bird.

Link: (Says to self) I knew I shouldn't have drunk that red potion…

Gaebora: Anyway, are you going to Hyrule Castle?

Link: Yeah, (smiles excitedly) are you going to let me ride on your back like that flying dog in the Never Ending Story?

Gaebora: No… It appears that the time has finally come for you to start your adventure! You will encounter many hardships ahead... That is your fate. Don't feel discouraged, even during the toughest times! Go straight this way and you will see Hyrule Castle. You will meet a princess there... If you are lost and don't know which way to go, look at the Map. The areas you have explored will be shown on the Map. You will also see a flashing dot showing you which way you should go next. Did you get all that?

Link shakes his head and Navi nods.

Geabora: (Sighs) Go straight this way and you will see Hyrule Castle. You will meet a princess there…

Link nods slowly.

Geabora: Did you get all that?... Choose wisely…

Link: Shit! I meant to press A!

Gaebora: I don't have time for this! Just follow the trail! Alright then, I'll see you around! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Ho!

Link and Navi both watch as the talking owl flies away.

Link: I hate that owl.

Navi: Don't be too quick to judge.

A pile of white feces drop on Links head.

Link: I really _hate_ that owl.

* * *

><p><strong>Let me know what you think please!<strong>


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><span>Act two Scene two: Hyrule Castle<span>

Zelda: Who! Who are you? How did you get past the guards?

Link: …

Flashback of Link happens. Guard turns around to see Link behind him, but Link has disguised himself as a woman.

Link: Heeee (smiles)

Guard: Hey!

Link flashes a bit of leg and the guard smiles. Flashback ends.

Zelda: Is that… a pixie?

Navi: Actually-

Zelda: Then you must be… from the forest. You wouldn't happen to have the Spiritual Stone of the forest, would you?... that green shiny stone… my precious!

Link: I'm a Kokiri not a hobbit… and yeah it's right here (Hands over the stone)

Zelda: Just as I thought… I had a dream… what was it about… uh, this is going to bother me all day now... something about dark clouds… a light figure and a fairy… anyway, it was a prophecy.

Link: …

Zelda: Look through this window.

Link: (looks through window)

Ganondorf: (Dancing with headphones and singing out loud (In tune of LMFAO's Sexy and I know it))_ Yeah, Yeah, when I walk on by, Link be lookin' like damn he fly. I skimp to defeat, walking on all week and you're a damn good sneak, yeah. This is how I prowl, don't need no flint, this is how I troll. It's Ganondorf with the big ass woe, I'm in Hyrule Castle makin' a show, Ah.. I'm pretty conceited, Ah… I'm pretty conceited _(Ganondorf turns to window and sees Link) Ahhhhh! (Leaves room)

Link turns to Zelda with fear on his face.

Zelda: What happened? Did he see you?

Link: Yeah… is that Ganondorf?

Zelda: (nods head slowly) The ruler of all fucking evil. We're going to have to kill him before he gets the Triforce. Go get the other two spiritual stones and come back to me. I will protect the ocarina!

Link and Navi begin to walk away, but are stopped when they see Impa standing.

Link: H-h-h-hello (his voice is shaky)

Impa: (Thick Russian or German accent) I am Impa of the Skeikahs. I protect the Princess. You are boy who killed evil in Deku Tree, no?

Link: (nods head)

Impa: You are courageous boy-strong like ox! I teach you song now!

Impa begins to play an ocarina and Link watched carefully.

Impa: Play! Now!

Link: (plays Zelda's lullaby and looks at Impa with huge eyes afraid)

Impa: If soldier find you, trouble will be had. I show you out. (begins walking away) Follow! Now!

Out in the field of Hyrule he and Impa stand.

Impa: Death Mountain, home of Gorons. They have Spiritual Stone. Princess is waiting for your return. You make princess happy and bring it back… or else Impa you face. You must go! Now!

* * *

><p><strong>Let me know what you think please!<strong>


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><span>Act two Scene three: Goron City<span>

Darunia: Hey man… got any rocks? (Scratching arms) I got a real craving…

Link looks at Navi as the tweaking Goron looks around suspiciously.

Link: I'm looking for the Spiritual Stones, you got any?

Darunia: Oh, if you give me rocks, I'll make you see Spiritual Stones all night long!

Link and Navi exchange looks.

Link: Umm… do you have _a_ Spiritual Stone?

Darunia stares at him blankly.

Navi: (Sighs) Do you have the Goron Ruby?

Darunia: Yeah… but I'm not giving it to you!

Link: I'll do anything!

Darunia gives a smirk and the scene cuts to what he is thinking. Link is dancing on a table and Darunia is stuffing rupees into his tunic.

Darunia: Woo! Darunia like! Darunia like!

The scene cuts back to Darunia bobbing his head to the music in his mind and then he shakes his head.

Darunia: Go to Dodongo's Cavern and make it safe for us Gorons to get our fix- I mean rocks… Then we'll talk.

* * *

><p><strong>I know… I'm a wee bit of a pervert… It's all for your amusement though!<strong>

**Let me know what you think please!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><span>Act two Scene four: Dodongo's Cavern Boss<span>

Link and Navi are visibly exhausted and panting in the heated Dodongo's Cavern.

Navi: I'm tired…

Link: I am too… hey, why don't we just go home?

Navi: First get the Spiritual Stones.

Link: Can't I just go home and sleep?

Navi: When you're done getting the stones!

Link: But I'm tired noooow!

Navi: You can rest for the next seven years when you're done for all I care! Just get the stones!

Link: You better not be lying to me… you don't want to lie to a boy with a sword.

Navi: Shut up and fall down the hole.

Link jumps down and screams. He falls onto his stomach and hears the howl of King Dodongo.

Link: (Stand up and looks at the creature as Navi falls beside him) I think I just shit myself.

Navi: (Sniffs air) No, I think that was me…

Scene ends.

* * *

><p><strong>Let me know what you think please!<strong>


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><span>Scene two Act six: Death Mountain Summit<span>

Navi: Hey!

Link: What!

Navi: Darunia said a fairy lives on top of Death Mountain, didn't he?

Link: Where the hell do you think I'm going?

Navi: (shrugs)

Link: I'm not going up the mountain for no apparent reason!

The scene fades and comes back in at Link looking mortified at the area as fiery rocks fall from the sky.

Link: Screw the fairy; I want to go home!

Navi: Link get your ass over here!

Link: No!

Navi marches over to Link and grabs him. She drags him up with her.

Navi: Don't you want magical powers?

Link looks at the falling rocks and shakes his head.

Link: Not that bad (he starts to run away)

Navi: (Pulls Link back and glares at him) I don't care if you wind up on the summit with your intestines pouring out of your rectum. You are going up there and you are getting the magic the Great Fairy has to offer.

Link: If I'm a hero, why do I need magic?

Navi: To defeat Ganondorf.

Link: I think you should find a new hero-

Navi: You were chosen by destiny! Now let's get moving!

The two arrive at the summit and Link is bleeding from his head. Navi is propping him up.

Navi: See, you made it up-

Link: Am I bleeding?

Navi: Just a little bit.

Link: I feel dizzy…

Gaebora: You've done- oh my God! What happened?

Link: I was hit in the head by one of those falling rocks… Navi says I'm fine though!

Gaebora and Navi exchange looks.

Gaebora: Link, (he speaks slowly) go into that cave over there; the Great Fairy will grace you with magic.

Link: Okay… coo, coo, fly away!

Navi looks at Link and watches him fall to the ground.

Navi: I kind of like him this way!

Gaebora gives her a look.

Navi puts her head down and walks with Link into the Great Fairy's cave. Moments later they come out. Link is screaming at Navi.

Link: How did you think I was fine!

Navi: You were fine after the first rock!

Link: There was more than one!

Navi: … More like two or three… maybe four to be exact, but one _real_ big one (laughs as she says it)…

Link: You stupid-

Gaebora: Link! I would like to say you've grown up a little, but that would be a false accusation!

Navi and Link both look at Gaebora.

Gaebora: You are clearly not the hero who will save Hyrule at least… not yet. If you wish to go down the mountain, I will let you fly with me.

Link opens his mouth to speak.

Gaebora: No you may **not** climb on my back like the freaking dog from the Never Ending Story! Now, hold tight onto my talons.

* * *

><p><strong>Let me know what you think please!<strong>


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><span>Act three Scene one: Zora's Domain<span>

Link: Skip!

Navi: You can't skip it!

Link: Fine, let Ganon take it over. I never heard of a Zora helping Hyrule anyway!

Navi: You inconsiderate little-

Princess Ruto: Please! Take me with you! I love you! (jumps into Link's arms)

Navi: I thought you were stuck in Lord Jabu-Jabu's belly

Ruto: I was, but I sliced that fucker from the inside out. (Crazy look in her eyes) That should teach him not to swallow!

Link: My Goddesses! I think I'm in love! So what was this bit about swallowing?

Ruto: (smiles and raises eyebrows)

Navi: Do you have the Zora's Sapphire?

Ruto: Yeah, had to gut an octopus, but the stone is fine.

Link: Why don't you give it to me and you stay here. I'll come back for you when I'm done meeting with the Princess Zelda (winks at Ruto).

Ruto: Alright! I'll be by this rock.

Link: Okay, see you in a bit! (waves and blows a kiss to her)

Navi and Link walk off.

Navi: That was almost too easy-

Link: You're just jealous of my mad skills with the ladies.

The scene fades.

* * *

><p><strong>Let me know what you think please!<strong>


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><strong><span>Ganondorf's Reign of Terror<span>**

Impa and Zelda race around on a horse (toy horse) and Impa stares Link down as Zelda tosses her ocarina into the bushes. Soon after they depart, Ganondorf appears without a horse.

Ganondorf: Hello Link, look at your fairy, now back to me, now back to your fairy, now back to me. Sadly, she isn't me. If she stopped using helium and started breathing sulfur hexafluoride, she could sound like she is me. Look down, back up, where are you?

Gannon is standing next to Link with his arm around his shoulders.

Ganondorf: You're in Hyrule with the man your fairy could sound like. What's in your hand (Link looks down to see his sword), back at me. I have it; it's the Master Sword with two pieces of Triforce missing on my hand. Look again, the triforce is now rupees. Anything is possible when you breath sulfur hexafluoride and not helium. I'm on a horse. (Ganon is now on the fake horse and the Old Spice tune plays)

Link and Navi stare at him in shock.

Link: What do you want! (holding sword ready to attack)

Ganondorf: Heh, heh, heh, you want a piece of me? Very funny! I like your attitude.

Ganon raises his hand and his magic knocks Link to the ground.

Ganondorf: Pathetic little fool! Do you know who I am? I am Ganondorf! Ruler of all fucking evil! And soon, I will rule the world!

Ganon 'races' off on horse.

Link: (Getting up) I'm going home! I don't care if the princess dies!

Navi: What's that? (pointing to the bushes)

Link shrugs as he tries to see what Navi is pointing to.

Navi: Look closer, you'll see it.

Link: (Crawling into bush) You better not push me, I hate dark areas-

Link runs out of the bush screaming like a girl.

Navi: What's wrong? (Stands ready to fight) Do you need Z-targeting?

Link: Get it off! Get it off! (referring to ladybug on his shoulder)

Navi takes the bug off and looks to Link.

Navi: Did you find it?

Link: I didn't find anything but this stupid ocarina-

Navi: It's the Ocarina of Time! (way too enthused)

The scene brightens and everything around is white. The scene darkens and Link is standing next to Zelda.

Zelda: Link, can you hear me? (whisper)

Link: Not really.

Zelda: Can you hear me now? (soft speaking voice)

Link: It's a bit better

Zelda: How about now? (right by his ear)

Link: Clear as a bell

Zelda: Good… when you hold this ocarina, I won't be around anymore. I wanted to wait for you, but I couldn't delay any longer. At least I leave you with the ocarina and this melody. This song opens the Door of Time.

Zelda plays tune and waits for a moment.

Impa: (Thick Russian accent) Play! Now!

Link: Where the hell did-

Impa: Play! (holds fist ready to hit)

Link plays the song.

Zelda: Now play this song in front of the alter in the Temple of Time. You must protect the Triforce!

Scene fades to black.

* * *

><p><strong>Let me know what you think!<strong>


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

Act three Scene three: Temple of Time

Link stands at the outside of the Temple of Time. The doors are locked.

Link: How am I supposed to get it now?

Navi: Just play the stupid song!

Link plays Song of Time and suddenly a blade appears.

Navi: Link, is that the master sword?

Link: ` It can't be, Ganon had it-

Navi: At least stick with the story a little bit!

Link: Should I… take it?

Navi: Go for it… just if the guards appear, I don't know you.

Link: (Pulling out Master Sword from its resting place) There's no guards around silly fairy-

Guard: Uhhhhnnnnggg! Are you the boy from the forest?

Link: (Shoves sword back into pedestal) I wasn't going to take it! I swear!

Guard approaches them limping. He is dying.

Guard: I tried to hold Ganondorf's men back… but… did the princess give you something?

Link nods slowly.

Guard: If I were you I would waste no time and take it to the Temple-

Navi: We're here already…

Guard: (Straightens back and smiles) Oh! (looks around) How embarrassing, I'll let you two get back to what you were doing… hey! Is that the Master Sword?

Link: Mine! (takes sword out and holds it behind his back)

Ganondorf appears in front of Link.

Link: Oh my-

Ganondorf: Heh, heh, heh, excellent work! Just as I thought, you hold the key to the Door of Time!

Link: No I don't!

Ganondorf: Then how did you get to the Master Sword?

Link: How did _you_ get to the Master Sword?

Ganondorf: … You led me here… anyway, you've led me to the Sacred Realm, and I owe it all to you! Thanks kid!

Scene fades to black.

Let me know what you think please!


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><span>Act four Scene one: Waking Up<span>

Scene opens to Rauru standing over Link who is sleeping. He kicks Link's side a little.

Rauru: Rink… wake up… Rink, the chosen one.

Link opens his eyes slightly and shakes his head.

Link: Navi, you said I could sleep for as long as I wanted. Leave me alone, I got the Spiritual Stones already.

Rauru: Rink!

Link: Oh dear Goddesses! What did Ganon do to you Navi! (grabbing Rauru by the shoulders)

Rauru: (Clears throat) I am Rauru, that's your fairy.

Link turns to Navi sitting gleefully by herself.

Rauru: Because of your idiocy, I was forced to put you in here. Ganondorf has taken over the kingdom and it's arr thanks to you asshore!

Link: Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me princess-

Rauru: I am no princess! This is the Chamber of Rearms, and I am the Sage of Right! (Navi and Link both look at him) … The Master Sword is a brade which evir may never touch-

Link: I saw him holding it!

Rauru: (Ignoring Link) Onry one worthy of the titre Hero of Time may purr it from the Pedestar of Time.

Link: Didn't I just do that? Holy crap I'm the Hero of mo'foing Time!

Rauru: However, you were too young to be the Hero of Time. Therefore, your spirit was seared here for seven years. And now that you are ord enough, the time has come for you to awaken as the Hero of Time.

Link: (Looking at Navi) Am I about to enter the Matrix?

Navi: Oh my goodness Link, look at yourself! You're big now! You've grown up… (whispers as Link looks at himself) in body, not mind.

Rauru: Enough with gawking at yourserf! You must find the other five Sages.

Link: Why?

Rauru: You'rr need them to herp sear Ganon away. Now go! Find the other Sages and save Hyrure!

Scene brightens into white.

* * *

><p><strong><span>Please know, I am not a racist; I just see the humour in accents. I am deeply sorry if anyone finds this offensive. <span>**

**Let me know what you think please!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

Act four Scene two: Meeting Sheik

The scene opens with Link lying on the grass outside of the Temple of Time. His body has been there for the last seven years, thus he is dirty. Suddenly his body begins to jerk and he stands. Navi stands beside him.

Sheik: I used to be a fairy boy like you… but then I took a Ganondorf to the Hyrule.

Link and Navi turn to see Sheik standing behind them in the shadows.

Navi: That joke is so over used… why even use it?

Shiek looks to them with a quivering lip and sad eyes.

Link: Shut up Navi… (To Sheik) she didn't mean it.

Sheik: I've been waiting for you, Hero of Time.

Navi: (To Link) Stalker!

Sheik: When evil rules all-

Link: You mean fucking evil.

Sheik shakes his/her head.

Sheik: You must go to the five temples; one in a forest, one on a mountain, one under a lake, one within the house of the dead, and one inside a goddess of sand.

Link: Yeah, don't worry about introducing yourself or anything!

Sheik: I am Sheik, last of the Sheikahs-

Link: Sheikah what?

Sheik: (face palm) Impa didn't tell you about the Sheikahs?

Link shakes his head.

Sheik: Whatever just find the Sages. (walks away)

Let me know what you think please!


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><span>Act four Scene three: Leaving Hyrule Castle<span>

Link and Navi are walking in the Market. Link sees a Redead and pauses for a moment.

Link: What the hell is that?

Navi: I don't know… but we should probably be a careful around it.

Redead screams (actually just turns to Link and says boo in a very seductive manner) and Link is frozen.

Navi: Dear Goddesses, is that thing naked!

Redead stands and begins to walk towards Link.

Navi: Watch out!

Link: I can't move!

Redead latches onto Link.

Link: Get it off!

Redead: (leans into Link's ear) Dont try to fight it… I know you like it as much as I do…

Link: Guhhh! (camera zooms into Link's face) Ahhhhhhh! (scene goes black)

When the scene comes back, Link and the Redead are laying down. The Redead is smoking a cigarette.

Link: Does that count as necrophilia?

Redead: … (shrugs)…

Link: (stands) Come Navi, we need to save Hyrule!

* * *

><p><strong>This has to be one of my favorite scenes! :D<strong>

**Let me know what you think please!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><span>Act five Scene one: Ganondorf<span>

Ganondorf: Gerudo! Come now and bow before your king!

A Gerudo Thief appears and bows.

Ganondorf: (Holds the woman's shoulder) I want a pussy-

Gerudo Thief: My king, I am not capable of such sorcery-

Ganondorf: Bring me my cat!

Gerudo Thief: Oh! I thought you meant-

Ganondorf: Now!

The Gerudo Thief leaves and shortly after returns with a cat. Ganondorf takes it and begins to talk in gibberish with a baby voice to it. The woman stares at him.

Ganondorf: Leave!

The Gerudo Thief then leaves and Ganon is left alone with his cat.

Ganondorf: You know what I'm going to do Gan-Gan (holds cat up with a smile)? Once I secure Hyrule as mine, and marry the princess, I am going to go after the world. Yes, the whole world! (Hold cat close) And when I'm done, Hyrule will be yours. You will run through Death Mountain daily, drink from Lake Hylia, and even have your own personal tuna, the Zoras! Oh, it's going to be wonderful Gan-Gan! I can see it already!

Gerudo Thief: Gan-Gan- I mean King Dragmire (Ganondorf's last name for those unfamiliar), I bring news of the boy… the self-proclaimed Hero of Time.

Ganondorf places the cat down and nods towards the Gerudo Thief to come in.

Gerudo Thief: My group has seen him off to the North. They said it looked like he was heading to Death Mountain… or perhaps Zora's Domain-

Ganondorf: Didn't your group follow him long enough to see which way he went?

Gerudo Thief: I'm sorry- they had to leave before he noticed them!

Ganondorf: Then tell them to go back and tell me which way he went! Oh! Just look at me, you got me all flustered and now Gan-Gan's upset!

Gerudo Thief: I am deeply sorry King Dragmire

Ganondorf: Your apology means nothing to me… (Picks up the cat) But, perhaps Gan-Gan could benefit from it.

The Gerudo Thief looks at the seemingly relaxed cat and she makes a face.

Ganondorf: Gan-Gan is waiting for his apology! (Holds cat to ear and gasps) What's that Gan-Gan?

Gerudo Thief: No! Please Ganondorf! Don't listen to his words! They're lies!

Ganondorf: You want her to what?

Gerudo Thief: I promise I won't make another mistake!

Ganondorf: Oh my, (nods head) well, perhaps that is best (lowers cat)… Gan-Gan would like you to pay a visit to the guillotine (AKA a thing that chops your head off). He tells me it is the _only_ way to make this right-

Gerudo Thief: Please, I will bath that cat's feet if it meant my life would be spared!

Ganondorf: Silly woman, Gan-Gan hates water; you should know that! Now go or I'll have my guards escort you there themselves!

The woman leaves in tears and Ganondorf sits at his throne with his cat on his lap.

Ganondorf: Gerudo!

A few moments later, another Gerudo Thief appears and she bows before him.

Ganondorf: (Takes double take at her) What are you doing outside the kitchen!

Gerudo Thief: You called for me my king.

Ganondorf: … Bring Gan-Gan some tuna… and make me a sandwich!

The Gerudo Thief leaves and Ganondorf smiles to the camera.

Ganondorf: Is it still sexism if I am the king and she my cook?

Scene fades with Ganon's maniac laugh.

* * *

><p><strong>Let me know what you think please!<strong>


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><span>Act five Scene two: Back with Link<span>

Link: As if Saria was a Sage! Watch, the next one will be that weirdo Darunia! I was really hoping that shop keep would have been the Forest Sage-

Navi: (Smiles) Yeah… (frowns) too bad he had to go away… where did he go again?

Link: I don't know, Saria said he left saying some guy named Leon would give him better business… I guess me being gone really put him under. Well… Sheik said something about the inside of a mountain… where could that be?

Navi: Yeah… because Hyrule has SO many mountains!

Link: Was that sarcasm?

Navi: Why do you ask?

Link: Because it suites you SO well.

Scene fades.

* * *

><p><span>Act five Scene three: <span>Inside Death Mountain

Link and Navi are walking. They are breathing hard and covered in sweat.

Navi: Why didn't you take the Goron tunic?

Link: Well, for one; I'm not willing to pay two hundred rupees… and I am most definitely not doing what Darunia's kid wanted me to do!

Navi: Come on, it was just a little strip tease! He said he wouldn't even touch you!

Link: I am more than just a hunk of well-sculpted, lean muscle you know!

Navi: I bet you would do it for a cup of water right now.

Link: You bet your sweet ass I would!

Navi: What's that?

Link: You know, usually when people ask that question I know exactly what they're talking about because they POINT it out!

Navi: It looks like a treasure chest… (Points to it as Link looks for it) is that better?

Link nods and walks towards the chest. He opens it and reveals a boss key.

Link: Thank you baby Jesus-

Navi: Who?

Link: …

Now we can go and kill the boss and get the medallion.

Link opens the boss key and waits for Navi to stand by his side.

Link: Aren't you coming?

Navi: (Examines nails) You know, I was thinking you could handle this one yourself since you did such a good job at the last temple.

Link: Alright… see you on the outside then…

Link closes the door and Navi runs up to it and listens. Link's screams on the other side and Navi begins to laugh.

Navi: After Ganondorf's Phantom there is no way I'm be going in there…. (Link screams again) I think I made a good choice to stay behind…

* * *

><p><span>Act five Scene four: Sacred Realm<span>

Darunia: So did you see my boy? Isn't he, isn't he, isn't he just great?

Link: He wanted me to… never mind.

Darunia: So… I am the Fire Sage? Hey, do you think next time you come in here you could get my stash? I don't need my beautiful boy to find it… oh and here's the medallion…

Darunia looks at Saria and then back at Link.

Darunia: Now that's my kind of woman-

Link: Uh, I don't think she's a- never mind… see you later

Scene fades to black.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sorry about piling these scenes all together. They were just way too short to put up as lone 'chapters'.<strong>_

**Let me know what you think please!**


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><span>Act six Scene one: Back With Ganondorf<span>

The scene is black and Ganondorf's maniacal laugh can be heard. As the scene fades in Ganon is getting a foot massage and a manicure and laughing as the Gerudo touches his foot.

Gerudo Thief 1: I thought only women got these-

Ganondorf: It's called a MANicure for a reason… (stares Gerudo 1 down) get back to work!

Gerudo Thief 2: So whatever happened to you and Nabooru? I thought you two were going to be together for like ever. You two were like the ones who totally made me believe in love! (Valley girl)

Ganondorf stares as the camera zooms to his face. He is looking at the camera with a look of sadness and his eyes are watering. The song "You'll be in My Heart" plays softly in the background. He then uses his free hand to rub the tears away.

Gerudo 1: She didn't mean to upset you, would you like me to get Gan-Gan?

Ganondorf: No, it is fine… these tears needed to be shed one day…

Gerudo 2: So did you like totally rip her heart out?

Gerudo 1: Does it look like he did? King Dragmire, I am terribly sorry for this foolish woman to be in your presence.

Ganondorf: It's fine… (sniffles) I wish I could say I left a dent on her… but it seems I was the one who latched onto her for love.

Gerudo 2: (Hugs Ganon) Awe, Ganondorf…

Ganondorf: (Sigh) It's fine… we just… weren't meant to be… (brakes down into a cry) I just wanted to have her as my queen- but no! She wanted to be independent! If it weren't for my mothers, she would be dead! Rotting in the bottom of a well with only the mold growing on the walls as company!

Gerudo 1: Oh Ganondorf, it's all right. (Puts arm around him)

Gerudo 2: Yeah, (looks at him) I mean, she got what was coming to her. She stayed behind, and is like totally baking in the hot sun with like nowhere to go…

Gerudo 1: Yeah, your heart can stop hurting now-

Ganondorf: (Pushes the Gerudos away) I have no heart! She ripped it out and now I am left with a festered wound! Once I have complete power over Hyrule, she will be the first to go!

…

You can get back to my manicure and foot massage now.

Act six Scene two: Sacred Realm Once Again

Ruto: Link… I would have expected no less from the man I chose to be my husband. Zora's Domain and it's people-

Link: I thought you were fish!

Ruto: No… we're people-

Link: Mind blown! (makes booming sound)

Ruto: (Rolls eyes) If you see Sheik, can you give him my thanks?

Link: Oh, so there's a new man in your life now? Sheik was it? I'll be sure to tell him something… don't you worry-

Ruto: He saved me from the water before it froze over-

Link: Oh that guy is so going to get it! My fist, his face; next time I see him!

Ruto: No, Link! He saved me… (Ruto fades as Link returns to Hyrule)

* * *

><p><strong>Again, sorry about piling these scenes all together. They were just way too short to put up as lone 'chapters'.<strong>

**Let me know what you think please!**


	20. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><span>Act seven Scene one: Shadow Temple<span>

Link and Navi walk through Kakariko Village and see Sheik standing before them. Link and Navi both run towards him.

Sheik: Get back Link!

Link: Oh Hell no!

Suddenly Sheik gets tosses around and falls unconscious to the ground. Link and Navi stare at the lifeless body for a moment.

Navi: Did you do that?

Link: I… don't… AHHHHHHH!

Link begins to be thrown around and Navi is left cowering in the background. Link falls to the ground and is knocked out. The scene then fades.

Shiek: Looks like you're coming around (Sheik is sitting beside Link)… Link… a terrible thing has happened-

Link's arm shoots up and hits Sheik across the face.

Sheik: (Almost in tears) What was that for?

Link: …

Sheik: … the evil shadow has been released. Impa had sealed the evil shadow spirit away at the bottom of the well… but the force of the evil spirit got so strong, the sealed well broke, and escaped into the world!

Link: Looks like we're all screwed then. (Sits up) Well, I'm going home to enjoy my last few hours of life then-

Sheik: I believe Impa has gone to the Shadow Temple to seal it away again, but… she will be in danger without help!

Link: Why can't you do it?

Sheik: Link! Impa is one of the six sages. Destroy the evil shadow spirit and save Impa!

Link: Again; why can't you do it?

Sheik: Because I am not the Hero of Time! You are!

Link: Fine, where do I go? (he stands)

Sheik: (Stands) There is an entrance to the Temple beneath the graveyard behind this village-

Link: Oh, I don't think so, there's poes in there… not to mention a deformed guy named Dampe!

Sheik: (Sighs) Just go… save Impa and who knows, maybe you'll have a good time. Gees, do you always look at every temple with such pessimism?

Link and Navi begin to walk away.

Sheik: Wait! I didn't teach you the… (smiles) they'll be back.

* * *

><p><strong>Let me know what you think please!<strong>


	21. Chapter 21

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><span>Act seven Scene two: Shadow Temple Boss<span>

Link: I am so not willing to go after this guy… he looks like one of those weird moles... you know with the starfish noses… freaks me right out (shivers).

Navi: Just take a deep breath and think of something you like.

Link: Alright (closes eyes)… I like Ruto… Zelda (smiles)… um… (opens eyes) is it weird that Sheik comes to mind?

Navi: I think the owl _was_ right to call you 'Fairy boy'.

Link shakes his head and the enters the door. The scene then fades. Moments later it show him in the Sacred Realm. Impa stands before him.

Impa: Boy with noble Zelda ocarina… as I expected, you come. I am Impa, one of the Sheikahs. I am Princess Zelda's caretaker-

Link: I know… we met like… seven years ago.

Impa: Boy who strong like ox?

Link nods.

Impa: Ahh, I should have remembered that face. Haven't changed at all… I stay here. You go to Princess Zelda, protect her like dear Impa would. Make smile on face, I give you medallion!

Link takes medallion and then the scene fades into white.

* * *

><p><span>Act seven Scene three: Another Treasured Visit with Ganondorf<span>

Ganondorf is sitting in his throne with Gan-Gan on his lap. He pets the cat and smiles.

Ganondorf: When Link comes to the castle, these walls shall bleed red!

The camera zooms out and shows a Gerudo with red material in her hands. She begins to smile.

Gerudo: Red it is then! I was really hoping you would pick this one, I mean; I have so many decorative pieces picked out for this! Oh! It's going to be spectacular!

Ganondorf: Just remember, I want the room to scream "I will hurt you and you won't like it" not "Pick a safe word and Spank me"… alright?

Gerudo: Yeah, of course. I just need you to do some signing (holds paper up to Ganon) here, here, and here-

Ganondorf: What does it mean 'Gerudo is not to be blamed if Link defeats you'?

Gerudo: Oh, don't worry about it! You see, the last customer I decorated for was killed by Link… his family tried to sue me… those dragons can be quite relentless sometimes.

Ganondorf: Okay… just remember "Pain" not "Spank me".

Gerudo nods and then leaves the room. Ganon stands from his throne and looks out the window. He then turns back to the room and sighs.

Gerudo: King Dragmire

Ganondorf: Yes?

Gerudo: We saw him… he was on his way to the Kakariko graveyard.

Ganon picks his cat up.

Ganondorf: This displeases Gan-Gan… what do we do?

There is silence for a moment and he stares down the Gerudo.

Gerudo: Oh! I thought you were asking the cat-

Ganondorf: Do you really think I'm that stupid? (Laughs) Asking Gan-Gan a silly question like that would be insulting… I was asking you!

Gerudo: Oh… well… uh… we could make sure he doesn't get into the Shadow Temple-

Ganondorf: Silly woman, if you just came back from seeing him go to the graveyard, chances are he is already in there… possibly already defeated it too… (looking down at cat) Seriously Gan-Gan, sometimes I feel like I am surrounded by imbeciles!... If he saves the Shadow temple… my mothers will make sure he doesn't get past the Spirit Temple… (maniac laughter)

* * *

><p><strong>Let me know how you're liking it... or not :D<strong>

**Let me know what you think please!**


	22. Chapter 22

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><span>Act seven Scene two: Entering Gerudo Valley<span>

Carpenter: Hey, you! If you're going to the fortress, would you mind finding out what my workers are doing over there?

Link walks by with Navi.

Link: No can do, I am on a hero's quest only. I cannot multitask… your words just go in one ear and out the- ooooo! A rupee! (picks rupee up and pockets it)

Link then skips away happy with the find. The next scene then shows Link being pushed against a wall by a Gerudo Thief.

Link: What do you mean I'm now your prisoner? I'm trying to help you! Would you rather have the world ruled by the ruler of all evil?

Gerudo Thief: It's fucking evil… and… (Sighs) If I let every man I found go free who said that, there would be no point of this fortress, now would there be?

Link: Well, that's a valid point, but I have a secret…

Gerudo Thief: What's that?

Link: Come closer…

Gerudo leans forward and Link punches her. She falls to the ground knocked out.

Link: I'm not afraid of hitting a girl!

Navi: That was a little cruel-

Link: Shut up Navi!

Scene fades as the two walk through the fortress unseen.

* * *

><p><span>Act eight Scene two: Haunted Wastelands <span>

Link is reading a sign.

Link: Well… that's quite the intimidating name… I think I'm going to go-

Navi grabs his tunic.

Navi: You're too far now Link… Just think; after this, Ganondorf!

Link: I think… that gives me more reason to leave-

Navi: (yelling at him right in face) I am trying to motivate you!

Link: Well it's not working-

Navi: How about this for motivation; if you don't do this, I will make sure Ganondorf finds you!

Link: Either way I'm going to die… best take the easy way out, less anticipation-

Navi: I won't stop saying hey, look, listen, and watch out for the next year if you go home now.

Link: (Sighs) Fine.

The two then walk off in the sand. The scene then cuts to the two approaching the Spirit Temple. Sheik drops down and punches Link in the stomach.

Sheik: That was for earlier! Now (brushes her/ himself off and clears throat)… Past, present, future… the Mast Sword is a ship which you can sail upstream and downstream through time's river… the port for that ship is in the Temple of Time.

Link: Oh I get it… the ship is the pedestal. Nice use of metaphors, very poetic (nods head).

Sheik: (Smiles) I thought it would be a nice touch… To restore the Desert Colossus and enter the Shadow Temple, you must travel back through time's flow. Listen to the Requiem of Spirit… this melody will lead a child back to the desert.

Sheik plays the song and Link looks at him.

Sheik: Are you going to play it, or just stand there?

Link: Right now I'm wondering if I really want to do all this.

Sheik: Now is not the time to be contemplating it. Play it NOW.

Link plays the song and Sheik is gone.

* * *

><p><strong>Guess who is about to show up in the next 'chapter' lmao<strong>

**:D One of my favorite characters lol**


	23. Chapter 23

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><strong>Sorry about there being like... <strong>

**Four scenes in this little old chapter, but you need to understand, I am le tired and do not feel the need to separate everything. **

**You see, I have this all pre-written one huge document and inorder to up it up like this, I have to go from that one document and separate EVERYTHING.**

**Tis a bitch.**

* * *

><p><span>Act nine Scene one: Desert Colossus Past<span>

Nabooru stands at the front by a small hole. She turns quickly and sees 'young' Link (no tights) and Navi.

Nabooru: I haven't seen you around kid… what do you want?

Link: (Smiles) I can't quite remember…

Nabooru: (Smiles and flips her hair) Can you do me a favour kid?

Link: Anything!

Nabooru: (Smiles) Wait a second, I want to ask you first- you wouldn't happen to be one of Ganondorf's… followers… would you? (Batting eyelashes to Link)

Link: I HATE Ganondorf!

Nabooru: Uh-huh! You got guts. I think I like you.

Link smiles shamelessly and looks to ground.

Nabooru: I should introduce myself. I'm Nabooru of the Gerudos. I'm a lone wolf thief, but don't get me wrong! I am nothing like Ganondorf. With his followers, he stole from women and children, and even killed people!

Link: Really? That's terrible (grabbing Nabooru's hand and holding it showing a little too much concern).

Nabooru: (Takes hand back quickly) A kid like you might not know this, but the Gerudo race consists of women. Only one man is born every one hundred years… even though our laws say that lone male Gerudo must become King of the Gerudos, I'll never bow down to such an evil man!

Link: So what was the favour?

Nabooru: (Smiles and folds arms) Will you go through this tiny hole?

Link: (Shakes his head) That's bordering on the pedophilia line Nabooru…

Nabooru: No, no, no (laughing), I mean this hole. (Reveals hole behind her) There is a treasure inside that I need.

Link: Oh… yeah, sure why not?

Nabooru: Thanks kid! You and I, let's give Ganondorf and his followers a big surprise, shall we? (Smiles) If you can successfully get the treasure… the Silver Gauntlet… I'll do something great for you (winks).

Link nods and then crawls into hole.

* * *

><p><span>Act nine Scene two: Nabooru's Kidnapping<span>

Gaebora: Hey, what's up Link? Surprised to see me?

Link and Navi both glare at the owl.

Gaebora: A long time in this world is almost nothing to you, is it? How mysterious… Even I thought that the tales of a boy who could travel back and forth through time was merely a legend!

Link: I am a legend (smiles).

Gaebora: I see as you've aged you've become cocky… From now on, the future of all people in Hyrule is on your shoulders.

Link: No pressure or anything…

Gaebora: (Clears throat) Here is my last advice. Two witches inhabit this temple. In order to destroy them, you must turn their own magic power against them. Ho hoot! Do you want to hear what I said again?

Link: No… I'm good.

Gaebora: Are you sure? This is the last time we will ever speak with one another…

Link: I'm sure…

Gaebora: … Do you have anything you would like to say to me?

Link: … Yeah… why did you crap on me after we first met?

Gaebora: When you got to go, you got to go. Anything else?

Link: (Smiles largely) Can I ride-

Gaebora: NO! I will continue watching you… Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoot!

Link shakes his head and kicks the ground. He then notices the treasure box and opens it. He finds the Silver Gauntlets. Navi looks around and sighs as Link shows them off.

Navi: You know… this seems too easy Link-

Link: Don't say that Navi!

Navi: Why?

Link: Because whenever someone says something like that, everything gets more difficult-

Nabooru screams.

Navi: What was that?

Link: I told you!

Link and Navi look and see Nabooru being swarmed by Koume and Kotake. They begin circling her and she screams again.

Nabooru: Hey! Where are you taking me? Ahhh! Let me go! You- you fiends! Ganondorf's minions!

Nabooru then disappears and so do the witches. Link and Navi both stare in shock.

Link: What just happened?

Navi: I don't know….

Link: Who were those women?

Navi: I don't know Link! I saw exactly what you saw! What makes you think I know?

Link: What do we do?

Navi shrugs.

Link: (Yells to sky with fists in the air) Damn you Gaebora! Damn you all to hell!

* * *

><p><span>Act nine Scene three: Desert Colossus Future<span>

Koume and Kotake are leaning over the Iron Knuckle talking.

Koume: Don't you think she should be bigger Kotake (KOH-TAH-KEH)?

Kotake: No! No one would ever mess with her, I mean look at the way her armour glows!

Koume: You do know that shiny armour isn't a guaranteed win, right?

Kotake: I know that idiot! But with this gorgeous battle axe and these fashionable boots she will be unstoppable-

Koume: Stop it Kotake! She isn't your own personal Malabo Barbie! She is supposed to be a warrior-

Link and Navi appear behind them. They turn quickly and exchange looks.

Koume: (Whispers) what do we do now Kotake? We haven't even given her a proper hairstyle!

Kotake: (Whispers) Follow my lead Koume (KOH-MEH)… (Laughs loudly) Ho, ho, ho-

Koume: (Whispers) Who are you supposed to be? Freaking Santa Claus?

Kotake: Shut up! You're ruining my whole malicious aura! (Directs voice to Link) Looks like someone is here Koume.

Koume: Hee, hee, hee! Looks like it Kotake!

Link gives Navi a strange look and Navi shrugs.

Kotake: What an outrageous fellow he is, to intrude so boldly into our temple. Ho, ho, ho!

Koume: …

Kotake: Koume!

Koume: Oh!... you need to speak up, my hearing is a little dull dear sister… We should teach this outrageous fellow a lesson! Hee, hee, hee! (Turns to the Iron Knuckle) Oh, loyal minion….

…

Destroy this intruder on our behalf!

The two stand watching as the Iron Knuckle stands and comes to life. The Iron Knuckle then turns towards them and waves them away.

Koume: Oh!

Kotake: Right…

Koume: I guess we should leave now…

Kotake: Alright… we're leaving now…

Koume: You kids have fun!

Koume and Kotake then leave the room followed by Navi.

Navi: Bye Link!

Link: Navi! What the hell?

The Iron Knuckle then swings at Link, but he dodges. The two then have a quick battle, but as the Iron Knuckle falls to the ground, she is revealed to be Nabooru.

Nabooru: Uuuunnn!... Where… where am I?

Nabooru and Link stand for a moment in silence.

Nabooru: (In loud voice) I said: UUUUNNNN! WHERE AM I?

Koume: Oh! That's our cue!

Koume and Kotake then appear.

Kotake: Well, well, looks like she's back to normal… Koume… Koume!

Koume: Oh!... She's just a little girl, but she commands a lot of respect among the Gerudo, Kotake…

Kotake: Maybe we should make her work for Ganondorf for a little while longer! Hee, hee, hee!

The two then use magic and teleport Nabooru away. They then disappear into the room they went into before. Link runs into the room and stops as he looks at the two witches.

* * *

><p><span>Act nine Scene four: Twinrova<span>

"Look at that stupid kid! He came back on his own!"

Koume: With my flame, I will burn him to the bone!

Kotake: With my frost, I will freeze him to his soul!

Link: (Turns to Navi) These two look like they mean business-

Link gasps as Kotake shoots her freezing magic at him. He freezes in the spot.

Navi: Hey! You need to figure a way out to deflect their magic! They seem to be the opposites of each other… maybe try to get them to hit each other.

Link nods and begins to reflect their magic off on his mirror shield. The defeats them.

Koume: Should we get serious now Kotake?

Kotake: I don't know… I'm pretty tired… and at the senior center they're serving pudding-

Koume: Kotake!

Koume: (Sighs) Fine…

The camera shows Link and then goes back to the two who have now merged into one.

Link: What the hell? That's like… cheating!

Twinrova attacks and so does Link. Eventually Twinrova is defeated and the two witches separate.

Koume: Shoot, what a fresh kid! This time we'll get-

Kotake: I love the new hairpiece, gives you a little… Je ne sais quoi!

Koume: Oh my goodness, Kotake you have one too!

Kotake: Ah! We're both fashionable! Wait…

Pause.

Koume: Are we…

Kotake: … Dying?

Koume and Kotake hold each other in their arms crying.

Kotake: I'm sorry for saying you had a fat ass Koume!

Koume: I'm sorry I called you a slut Kotake!

Kotake: Oh! What a world! What a world!

Link: Just die already!

Koume: Shut up! This is our moment!

Kotake: Yeah! Yours will be soon enough!

The two then die. The scene then fades and comes back in the scared realm.

Link: What was the promise Nabooru?

Nabooru: (Arching eyebrow) What are you talking about?

Link: … I got the Silver Gauntlets… you said you would do something for me in return (smiles and winks).

Nabooru: (Laughs) Oh, yes… let me describe it to you.

Link: Okay!

Nabooru: It is golden and smooth with little grooves…

Link: Yes!

Nabooru: It is something I treasure with my heart and no one has ever seen it…

Link: Tell me more!

Nabooru: A man has never touched it-

Link: Oh man!

Nabooru: Enough of these torturous words! Let me show you! (She then pulls out the medallion)

Link: Awww! What the hell?

Nabooru: (Laughs) Here you go kid, take it or leave it.

Link takes the medallion and the scene fades.

* * *

><p><strong>Any questions or comments?<strong>

**The end is very close. Perhaps too close. **

**Let me know how you like it!**


	24. Chapter 24

**Disclaimer****: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><span>Act ten Scene one: Sheik's Revealing<span>

The scene opens to link and Navi running to the Temple of Time.

Sheik: I have been waiting for you, Link…

The two jump to the voice and turn to him/her.

Link: You really need to stop sneaking up on me!

Sheik: Are you going to listen to me or are you going wine and complain about how terrible the last couple days have been?

Link: Days! I was forced to stay in the Sacred Realm for seven years!

Sheik shakes his and holds his head.

Link: And the pressure! Let me tell you! Freddie Mercury and all of Queen couldn't prepare me for any of it, even if I did listened to that song for nine hours straight!

Sheik: Are you done venting?

Link: Believe me! I'll tell you when I'm done! You do not just pick a random little boy to do all the dirty work! I was content in staying in my home! Now… I have to deal with the news I'm not a Kokiri after all! I had a mother who just left me for no god damn reason-

Sheik: Actually, she was dyeing and left you in the care of the Deku Tree-

Link: Yeah! And now I'm an orphan! (Begins to cry)

Navi walks over to Link as he cries.

Navi: Look at what you did!

Sheik: Oh… (Places hand on Link's shoulder) I'm so sorry Link-

Link: (Turns to Sheik quickly) I'm just playing!... but seriously, there was too much pressure (lowers head)… pressure pushing down on me (Sheik nods solemnly)… pressing down on you no man ask for… under pressure- that burns a building down (Sheik makes a face at Link), splits a family in two… puts people on streets… Um ba,ba be… um… ba, ba… be… de day da, ee day da-

Sheik: Link! (Link looks up at Sheik)

…

Seven years ago, Ganondorf, the King of Thieves, used the door you opened in the Temple of Time and entered the Sacred Realm. But when he laid his hands on the Triforce, the legend came true. The Triforce separated into three parts. Only the Triforce of Power remained in Ganondorf's hand. The strength of the Triforce of Power enabled him to become a mighty, fucking evil king, but his dark ambitions were not satisfied. To gain complete mastery of the world, Ganondorf started looking for those chosen by destiny to hold the two other Triforce parts.

Link nods and then Sheik grips Link's wrist to show the Trifoce piece.

Sheik: The one who holds the Triforce of Courage is you, Link! And the other, who holds the Triforce of Wisdom... is the seventh Sage, who is destined to be the leader of them all...

Sheik holds his/her arm up and reveals the Triforce piece on his/her hand. The scene then brightens and dims as Zelda stands before Link.

Zelda: It is I, the Princess of Hyrule…

Link gasps and stares at her for a moment.

Link: You're a cross dresser?

Zelda: No Link! I had to go into hiding after you were sealed in the Sacred Realm!

Link: Ohhh… I get it.

Zelda arches an eyebrow at him.

Link: Kay, I don't get it… when do I fight Ganondorf?

Zelda: I need to give you something before you go and kill him.

Zelda hands over the light arrow and Link smiles.

Link: A present? Really? For me? Thank you!

Zelda: It will penetrate through the Evil King's defences…

Ground begins to shake (we'll just shake the camera and make the two pretend to have a hard time standing).

Zelda: That rumbling-

Link: I'm hungry okay!

Zelda then freezes and Ganondorf appears.

Ganondorf: Heh, heh, heh-

Link: Oh shit-

Ganondorf: Princess Zelda...you foolish traitor! I commend you for avoiding my pursuit for seven long years. But you let your guard down... I knew you would appear if I let this kid wander around! My only mistake was to slightly underestimate the power of this kid... No... It was not the kid's power I misjudged, it was the power of the Triforce of Courage! But, with the Triforce of Wisdom that Zelda has... When I obtain these two Triforces... Then, I will become the true ruler of the world!

Ganondorf disappears, but his voice is still heard.

Ganondorf: If you want to rescue Zelda, come to my castle!

Scene then ends.

* * *

><p><strong><span>Final scene<span> is right up next. She is a beauty.**

**I love her more than I love my wife…**

**If I had one…**


	25. Chapter 25: Fin

**Disclaimer: I do not own any Legend of Zelda characters. This is a story I have created and not a part in anyway making me money... I am poor... and possibly more so now having written this...**

**Anyway, please enjoy, and if you find that I have any problems, misspellings, or even if I am terrible at this, tell me... but be respectful. Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p>Final Scene: Final Battle<p>

Scene opens with Ganondorf sitting at his throne. As the door opens he stands. Link holds Navi's hand with his head down as if embarrassed. As he sees Ganon he tries to run back to the door, but Navi holds tightly on his hand. Ganondorf smiles as Link approaches him. Navi nudges Link's side and he winces.

Link: (In unconvincing voice) Ganondorf… (keeps head to ground) your days of reign are over… it's time for you to be defeated (defends self and winces).

Ganondorf: Heh, heh, heh… The Triforce pieces are returning… these toys are too much for you! I command you to return them!

Link: (Holds up hand) Here take it! Just don't hurt me!

Navi grabs his hand.

Navi: Link! You are supposed to have the Triforce of Courage!

Link looks back to the ground. He then looks up at Ganondorf with a smile.

Link: Are you ready to be defeated?

Ganondorf: That depends… are you ready for a battle?

Link: Let's do this!

The two stand close together with narrowed eyes and sinister smiles.

Ganon and Link: One two three four, I declare a thumb war! Four three two one, who will be the strongest thumb!

The two then duel it out with in a very intense thumb war. They grunt and yell as their thumbs go down and escape. As Link defeats Ganondorf, the two look at each other in silence.

Ganondorf: Uh… Best two out of three?

Link: (Shrugs) Why not?

The two then fight again and Ganondorf wins the second. The third game, Link wins and Ganondorf growls in anger.

Ganondorf: The Great Evil Ganondorf… beaten by this kid? As if!

The man then storms off out of the castle crying. Zelda is free and Link jumps up and down in glory.

Navi: I think you should talk to him…

Link nods and then leaves. The scene then fades.

* * *

><p>Alright… I lied… This is the End.<p>

Link: There's nothing to be ashamed of buddy… we can't win all the time…

Ganondorf: Yeah… (Sniffles) I guess… I was just really looking forwards to having the Triforce…

Link: I know buddy… I know.

Link and Gannondorf are sitting on the stairs. Gannon is moping. Link stands from the step and pulls out a chocolate bar.

Gannon: What's that?

Link: Nothing.

Gannon: Oh, (sobbing) okay… I get it (begins to full outcry)

Link: (Sighs) It's a chocolate bar… (walks over to Gannon) do you want some?

Gannon: Really (looking up at Link with tears streaming his face)

Link: (Nods with a smile and holds bar to Gannon's mouth)

Gannon: (Takes bite of bar and then smiles)

The song "You're My Best Friend" begins to play and Link takes Ganondorf's hand and they begin to skip away across a field holding flowers in their free hands. Suddenly the music stops.

* * *

><p><strong>FIN!<strong>


End file.
